Growing up

I've been going through the motions of being an adult for years. Even at school I was obsessed with working, distinguishing myself from immature peers and mimicking lifestyles I followed online. In fact, most people who vaguely know me would probably say I'm highly successful and put together. But in recent years the opposite has been true. When I finally broke free from the shackles of school and journeyed into the world of work I was primed. I took on my first role with a deep sense of motivation and an open mind. I did what I was supposed to do to be a real adult. I eventually moved out into a flat in London with two co-workers. Things were going well and my mind and lifestyle were aligned with their level of maturity.

But once the pandemic hit and I moved back home, something changed. It was as though a global emergency, complete upturn of daily life, a return to my childhood home and change in the culture of work all happened at once (they did). A year earlier I'd finally got what I wanted - independence and adulthood. And now it had all but disappeared. I wasn't aware of it then, but I didn't handle the change well. I'd previously been diagnosed with depression, but anxiety was an unfamiliar concept to me and I wasn't well versed in the symptoms. Cue the excessive drinking (under the guise of the world being on hold and Zoom quizzes); ending a good relationship; starting, what would become, a bad one; a weed dependency; a break-up; multiple job changes; another break-up; another break-up. The maturity I craved and finally experienced had gone and I was living the teenage lifestyle I never had - except that I was in my early 20s. And I really went for it. I threw myself into the messy relationships. I numbed any bad feelings with weed. I discarded any consistency. I thought that if I couldn't have my adulthood dreams I'd fully embrace the opposite.

Then came the psychosis. It turns out that smoking a lot of weed every day for 5 years can do that. I'll leave the details for another post but it was a shitty enough of an experience to break that substance abuse and I haven't used in the 2 years since. That was a turning point in my life. It was someone shaking me by the shoulders and forcing me to look at how I'm living. That first year was extremely difficult. I had to learn to live with my own thoughts, good and bad. I started healthier habits, like going to the gym, but my mind was still where it was a year prior.

As time went by I started making more sensible decisions. I got into a healthy relationship (which I saw going the distance). I went to the gym regularly. I made big breakthroughs in therapy. There was a natural feeling of maturity. But I knew it was mostly a front. Deep down I was messy, avoiding true commitment and living day by day. Then, 2 months ago, I was dumped out of the blue. I was heart broken. I was truly sad about a relationship ending for the first time since I was a teenager, despite multiple relationships in that time, because it was the first time I felt the raw emotional highs and lows of loving someone without numbing myself. It was really the best. But the breakup forced me to face the reality that I wasn't quite where I needed to be. I was active and productive in life and work, but I wasn't putting in true effort where it counted – my mind. And I knew it all along. I would show up for therapy, but not do the daily work required to create a settled mind. For example, a simple, 5 minute daily meditation routine could have made a huge impact in reducing my paralysing perfectionism at work. But I was still that lazy teenager when it mattered.

2 months on and I've gone through the grief. I've forgiven (in the form of release). I even turned 27 in that time. So now I'm having to face the hardest part. The part I've been avoiding for 5 years. The part where I learn to grow up and align my mind with my life. I need to take the tough but necessary action to better myself so that I can show up for the people I care about. Sometimes that means not revealing parts of me which I've liberally let out of the cage of my mind in the name of avoiding unhealthy thought suppression. Sometimes that means revealing more parts of me and facing truths out in the open so that the repair work can take place. I've allowed myself to get into a routine of inaction and that needs to change. I'm always going to be a bit of a mess, but moving forward I need to accept that and do something about it rather than rot in the pain of imperfection. I wish this could have happened sooner. But sometimes hurtful events necessary to spur the growth that leads to a happier life.