Growing up (correction)

I was wrong in my last post. I concluded that I needed to "grow up" and take "tough but necessary action". Whilst there is some truth in those statements, I took it too far. I made a big boy decision to forgive in the form of release but decided that the suffering ended there. So cue avoidance and the pushing down of grief because those things weren't part of my new chapter. Unsurprisingly this made everything worse with the feelings I avoided finding their way out in the form of tension and frustrating fixations. Anything but feeling sad, because I'd already cauterised that wound when I learnt about forgiveness. It turns out that cauterising leaves a nasty scar and that a more delicate healing method was required.

Since this (latest) revelation I've been willingly getting into the ring with grief, taking it's mighty blows to the jaw - but not tapping out. Tears have been flowing freely. Joyful memories have been painfully relived. Would-be milestones have passed with a somber nod. It's been fucking awful. But it's all happened with the insight that avoiding necessary pain only breeds more pain. I feel more sad than I did a week ago, and yet lighter and hopeful.